Since our first procedure, I had been delegated to "couch potato" status. While it sounds good on those days when life is busy, it can be maddening when forced to do it day after day. I wanted to be up playing with Emily, cleaning my house, doing laundry...something. However, it kept me home-bound for a couple of weeks, and for that I was secretly thankful.
I talked to a wonderful mom at church on Sunday who lost her first baby very late in her pregnancy, and she said exactly what I was feeling: Losing a baby changes you forever. She shared with me her hurt over losing their first baby girl, but also shared the blessings they received from their painful experience.
She couldn't have put it more perfectly. I am different now than I was a mere three weeks ago, and I admit the thought of facing the world after this was frightening. I was so thankful to have my friends come over to the house and visit, to laugh and cry with me. But I was terrified of being around large groups of people and knowing how to handle myself.
When I received the news last Wednesday that I didn't have to be sedentary all of the time, I was excited, but also a little scared. Chad, of course, had been working and had plenty of time out of the house...he thought it would be good for me to get out now too.
I had an appointment with my primary OB last Thursday. I had an ultrasound at his office since he had not seen one since the ultrasound showing the girls had TTTS. He was so excited to see the amount of fluid that our little girl had accumulated, that her blood flow was great, and that she was very active. Her growth even went from being 10 days behind to 7 days behind. I was even more encouraged than before, even excited. How I desperately want this little one to be okay.
After my appointment, I drove down to the Med Center to drop something off for Chad. I decided to go inside and wait for him in the lobby rather than my car. He was glad to see me, and asked if I could stick around for a little while and visit some of his fellow residents and staff. We talked to several of the wonderful people with whom he works, and they were so encouraging, letting us know they had been thinking and praying for us. Chad showed the new ultrasound pictures to everyone we saw...he's such a proud daddy. God showed me that it was going to be okay, that I could go out in public and not fall apart, and that people were wanting to show their support.
That night I went to help prepare for our MOPS meeting at church the next morning, and it felt good to get back into something I really enjoy. The ladies at MOPS continue to show me so much love and support, and it was great to be with them and laugh and have a good time. Sunday came and I went to church for the first time since we lost Allie. We are so thankful for our church community...we were so touched by the many people who came up to us and shared that they had been praying for us.
I also want to thank the many wonderful people who have shared their own experiences of losing a baby with us. It breaks our hearts to know that so many of you have had this heartache in your lives, but you are such an example to us as you persevere through life with faith and joy.
I guess that is where I am now...contemplating the road ahead with this other precious baby girl. Every time she kicks I am elated, feeling reassured. But I think about the day she arrives. I want more than anything to be joyful, but will I feel sorrow having planned on having Allie with me too? Will I always look at this little one and think of her missing half? This little one will always be a twin...I will always be the mother of twins. Will I be able to rejoice in who she is and all of her milestones without feeling loss? I hope so. I will always hurt over losing Allie, but my prayer is that God will give me the ability to rejoice over this other precious girl for who she is as an individual too. She already brings me so much joy, and I pray each day that God would keep her safe and healthy...I desperately want to meet her.
Tomorrow is another trip to the hospital to check the condition of my cervix. We are praying it continues to hold its length so our baby has plenty of time to grow and get stronger.
Thank you for your continued prayers and acts of love.