Sunday, February 8, 2009

No words to describe...

It has been three days since we posted our last blog and left the Mayo Clinic for home. So many thoughts and emotions have been running through me (Jessica) since then, and I feel compelled to share some of them with you.

When we left for Mayo, we had such great hope for the many doors had been opened for us to get there and have the procedure done that I knew this was in God's hands, that he had gone before us and prepared the way. While there were definitely moments of fear and anxiety before the procedure, I had this peace that everything was going to be "alright." The doctors and nurses were fantastic, and I knew we were in good hands. After the procedure, I came out of my sedation well and immediately noticed that I felt physically better. As they were still taking care of me in the operating room, they did an ultrasound and saw that both babies had made it through the procedure. I felt such relief, and for the first time in over two weeks, my worries seemed to be disappearing. I felt so happy that night, seeing Chad and feeling like my little girls were finally going to be okay.

As they wheeled me from my hospital room to the ultrasound the next morning, I felt a little nervous, but mostly confident that everything would be fine. But when the ultrasound revealed that Allie's little heart wasn't beating, I was shocked...and heartbroken. Everything seemed to be going according to plan, and she should be fine now. How could this be happening?

Every thought imaginable ran through my head, questioning what went wrong. I knew the "reason" things happened: Allie's cord blood flow was not normal the day before and she was most likely already struggling from the TTTS. The change in flow after the procedure was probably just too much for her already fragile little body to take. But I believe in God and his sovereignty...why didn't he miraculously fix this? Why did he allow this to happen to her?

I confess that I have asked God these questions multiple times over the last three days. I don't have an answer, and I don't know if I ever will. I don't understand, but I don't think God expects me to understand. The only thing I can do is trust.

There is a song our worship team sings, and the words say:

"Your ways are higher than our ways,
and the plans that You have made are good and true.
If you call us to the fire, You will not withdraw Your hand,
we'll gaze into the flames and look for You."

Ever since we found out about the girls having TTTS, I have been reading the Psalms. David and the other psalmists offer praise and thanksgiving to God, but there are many psalms where they are crying out to God, questioning Him, displaying anger, confusion, and sadness. And still, after their ranting and raving, they offer praise to God.

I've done a lot of ranting and raving in my own way these last couple of days, and by no means am I "over" what has happened. But I am still offering my praises to God, trusting that His ways are better than mine, that there is a reason He took Allie home, and while He has called us to this fire in life, He has not left us alone. He has shown himself in mighty and powerful ways.

Which is where each and every one of you comes in. I know I wrote a blog a few days ago expressing my thankfulness, but I can't seem to fully convey how floored we are by the goodness of all of you. Right now, you are God's physical arms for us, loving and comforting us in ways that we could never have imagined.

From those of you who have known us forever to those of you who we have never met, thank you for encouraging us through this journey. Every prayer, thought, blog message, email, card, phone call, text message, and facebook note has touched us in a way we cannot express. We cannot believe the acts of kindness that have been shown to us. My fear is we will never be able to fully express and repay what each and every one of you has done for us. I am trying to write thank yous, return texts and emails, etc., and I can't seem to do it fast enough. I'm sorry, and I hope until you receive your personal "thank you" that you know we are so extremely grateful.

I also know that many of you following our journey have experienced the hurt of losing a baby. And I want to say a special thank you to you, knowing that you feel just like we do, and that the hurt doesn't probably ever go away completely. It is probably hard to read our entries without feeling that hurt again, so we are especially touched that you are willing to walk this road with us.

Allie was a name that Chad chose and we both loved, and it means "of noble birth." I find this fitting, because she was never born here on earth, but was born into Heaven. Hope of course means "trust and faith." While we don't understand why we lost her, we trust and have faith that there is a reason.

Our prayer now is that our other baby girl is doing okay since the procedure. We go to the doctor again on Tuesday afternoon, and I admit we have fears about what will happen. We love this little girl with all our hearts too, and we desperately want to meet her. We will probably update the blog Tuesday night since our appointment isn't until 4:15.

Again, thank you to each and every one of you.

With much love, Jessica


  1. Oh, I love your heart. Thank you for sharing. Keep wrestling and praising, there can't be a better place to be than that. We love you all and are praying. Hugs to you all!

  2. Chad and Jessica,
    Our prayers continue for your hurt and courage today and for the days to come. We are amazed by the weight of your testimony. May the Psalms continue to be the balm that bind up your wounds. This morning His mercies are new and His compassions are not failing. Great is His faithfulness. With love, the Rasmussens

  3. Hello sweetie. You are so incredibly brave to share your feelings and your experience. You are a very precious child of God. I'm convinced that He is so very proud of you and Chad and is so grateful to have Allie on His lap to hug and cuddle.
    Prayers continue for you and your family.

  4. Jessica - your courage and strength in this situation has shown me a new side to you that I love as much as I love the rest of you. We all appreciate your updates so much. Our lesson at church yesterday was about praying with conviction, even demanding what we desire -- knowing that God has the ability to do all things. We were encourage to not choose weak prayers. And while he may not answer every prayer, we must have the faith to believe he can - and to not be surprised when he does. Chad and you have always been a light in my walk and these days, you are a blazing fire. I prayer for your comfort, I long to help your healing in any way, and I stand in awe of you. I will continue to pray with conviction and steadfast faith for Allie's sister. We love you so much!!

    The Hoffmans

  5. Jess and Chad, I know it has been so long since we have talked, but I feel closer to you now than ever. My daughter Avery lost her twin to TTTS at 22 1/2 weeks, she has her angel in heaven with little Allie. Please know at anytime, I would love to get together, give a call when the time is right. I never in a million years thought that friends of mine would have to go through what we went through and my heart is broken for you! My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I will continue to pray for little baby girl Reade as she has a long road to go too:) I love you and have a BEAUTIFUL poem to share with you that was written by Katie (Katrin Robinson) next time we talk. Or if you would like I can post it for you or email it to you...just let me know and I will send it your way. The poem Katie wrote was the best gift given to me at the will treasure it forever! I love you and God Bless....Tara (Bellows) Meyer

  6. You and Chad are showing such maturity in this situation. You are both in our prayers and thoughts daily. We are also praying very hard for your other precious little girl. We love you! Give Emily a hug from us :)

  7. Jessica & Chad,
    I am sending hugs to you both. Your faith is amazing and it will comfort and strenghten you as time passes. My heart aches for you as you struggle to understand the unfathomable. Always believe that God answers prayers but sometimes the answer is hard. My prayers continue to be with you and Alli's sister. Norma

  8. Jessica and Chad....I am so sorry for your loss. I have enclosed a poem they I often pass on to mom's who have suffered a loss form TTTS....bleesing to you, your family and your angel

    I thought of you and closed my eyes
    And prayed to God today
    I asked "What makes a Mother?"
    And I know I heard him say
    A Mother has a baby
    This we know is true
    But, God, can you be a mother
    When your baby's not with you?

    Yes, you can he replied
    With confidence in his voice
    I give many women babies
    When they leave it is not their choice
    Some I send for a lifetime
    And others for the day
    And some I send to feel your womb
    But there's no need to stay.

    I just don't understand this God
    I want my baby here

    He took a breath
    and cleared his throat
    And then I saw a tear
    I wish I could show you
    What your child is doing today
    If you could see your child smile
    With other children and say
    "We go to earth to learn our lessons
    of love and life and fear
    My mommy loved me so much
    I got to come straight here
    I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
    I learned my lessons very quickly
    My Mommy set me free.

    I miss my Mommy oh so much
    But I visit her each day
    When she goes to sleep
    On her pillows where I lay
    I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
    And whisper in her ear
    Mommy don't be sad today
    I'm your baby and I am here"

    So you see my dear sweet one
    Your children are okay
    Your babies are here in My home
    And this is where they'll stay
    They'll wait for you with Me
    Until your lessons are through
    And on the day you come home
    they'll be at the gates for you

    So now you see
    What makes a Mother
    It's the feeling in your heart
    It's the love you had so much of
    Right from the very start
    Though some on earth
    May not realize
    Until their time is done
    Remember all the love you have
    And know that you are
    A Special Mom.

    Author © Unknown

  9. Jess, i love you so much. this makes me miss you in such an incredible way. you are one of the most precious women of God i have ever known. i have always put you in this category with mary robinson and a couple other ladies i adore. i think of you so often and pray for you constantly. i love chad too, so much, i just wanted to share with you how much you are blessed and loved by our heavenly Father. something that has always comforted me in trying times are the words "you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." so much love to you, Chad, Emily, and your precious baby girls.

  10. As if I needed another reason to love and admire you, Jess. I am so proud of you and so proud to be your friend. I love you so, my friend!

  11. Chad and Jessica,

    I'm so sorry. My heart grieves with you guys. We will be lifting you up in prayer.

    Antonio & Shelli Perez