The army

Friends,

I want to echo what Jessica said yesterday. We don't pretend to think that we are the only people in the world with worries or problems, so the fact that all of you have invested yourselves in our world has made an incredible difference. There have been great gestures of kindness that have met anticipated and unanticipated needs. When returning to work wasn't easy, the countless kind words, understanding smiles, and pats on the back made me feel understood and supported without having to explain myself to anyone. I still cannot believe that so many people would take the time to read what has become our family journal.

Speaking to my brother yesterday, he shared how saddened they were to read of Allie's death. When he said he felt they were there with us in Minnesota, he said it perfectly. That is exactly what we felt: we were part of an army of friends and family who journeyed to Minnesota. I heard a song once written by someone grieving a loss who said, "Words aren't remembered, but presence is." Never has that been more true for us than this last week. As you have shared our grief and reminded us of your steady presence, you have validated to us the importance of Allie's life.

A friend told me today that these events have caused her and her husband to think about their faith in a new way. As we grapple with all the "Why?" questions, hearing statements like these brings us a greater sense of peace. It reminds us that this is about much more than us. To think it is possible that the death of our unborn child could bless the lives of two people she never met gives us comfort beyond measure.
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Tomorrow is the next ultrasound, and up until now I have not allowed myself to think about it. I don't want to see Allie again, to be reminded of the life that could have been. When I see her in my dreams, she is either 6 months old and is lying on her back, staring into her twin sister's eyes, grinning just like her mother does; or she is a grown woman, smiling at me before I walk her down the aisle. I don't want to be reminded that these will never be more than dreams. More than all this, we don't have it in us to lose another child.