One Year Ago

It's been a long time since I posted a blog. I'm not sure anyone will even see this, and in a way I almost hope that no one does. I think I feel that this is more of a cathartic entry rather than an informative one.

Right now we have family and friends going through some very difficult times. My heart has been aching for those around us who are hurting, and I have been on my knees asking God to heal bodies and hearts of those we love very dearly.

So in a way, I feel selfish writing about something other than the immediate needs of others. But in another way, I feel as though I can't let tomorrow pass without writing this entry.

We have been so blessed by Olivia Ann's little life. She is nearly 8 months old, sitting up, starting to scoot on her tummy, and "talking" like crazy. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. She and Emily are such joys, and we praise God for such beautiful, sweet, funny, and healthy little girls.

It was one year ago today that I had the laser ablation done at Mayo Clinic. Tomorrow it is one year since we lost our precious Allie Hope. God has grown my heart so much throughout the last year. My dependence on Him has grown, my trust has deepened, and I'm still amazed by the grace He shows me. He has blessed me by showing me ways Allie's life impacted the lives of others, and that has been such a gift.

Even so, I don't think He expects me to just move on and forget. I think about Allie everyday. I still wish she could be here, that I could know her during this lifetime. I will always miss her, always love her, and always grieve the dreams I had for her.

As I watch Olivia, I sometimes imagine Allie next to her. She would have looked just like Livie, and I'm sure she would have been just as sweet. It would have been a lot of fun to see them interact, and would have been a riot watching Emily mother the two of them.

But again, I cling to the promise that Allie is living a life free of any sorrow or pain, that she experiences nothing but joy in the presence of Jesus.

If I could ask God to give her a message from me, it would be to tell Allie that I love her more than I can ever say, I am so proud to have been her mommy, and I can't wait to meet her one day.

In memory of our baby girl

Allie Hope Reade

February 5, 2009